Well, we're finally at the end of a very long week. Life handed us some lemons this week, and we made some lemonade. This has been a week of pain and grief, but also a week of growth and strength. This week we were tested, and though no final scores will be posted, I think we did alright.
I woke up Sunday morning to a scary realization, only to be confirmed by a visit to the E.R. My body had terminated my pregnancy in what doctors call a "spontaneous abortion", also known as a miscarriage. I've not lived a day so dark as what I experienced on Sunday. My own stability was rocked. Monday, brought a doctors visit, to only reconfirm what the truth. Tuesday brought an operation to finish what my body started.
While it's been an unpleasant week to say the least, this experience has been invaluable. I hope and pray that I'll never have to experience it again, but I've gained perspective, strength and faith, that I would not have otherwise gained. I have felt the prayers offered in our behalf. My testimony and faith has increased so much this week. I firmly believe that sometimes God has to bring you to your knees, before he can take your hand and lift you higher than you were before. That was my experience this week. I've felt God's hand every day, guiding our path, giving us comfort, healing our hearts and strengthening us individually and as husband and wife.
These are just a few of the lessons I've learned:
I woke up Sunday morning to a scary realization, only to be confirmed by a visit to the E.R. My body had terminated my pregnancy in what doctors call a "spontaneous abortion", also known as a miscarriage. I've not lived a day so dark as what I experienced on Sunday. My own stability was rocked. Monday, brought a doctors visit, to only reconfirm what the truth. Tuesday brought an operation to finish what my body started.
While it's been an unpleasant week to say the least, this experience has been invaluable. I hope and pray that I'll never have to experience it again, but I've gained perspective, strength and faith, that I would not have otherwise gained. I have felt the prayers offered in our behalf. My testimony and faith has increased so much this week. I firmly believe that sometimes God has to bring you to your knees, before he can take your hand and lift you higher than you were before. That was my experience this week. I've felt God's hand every day, guiding our path, giving us comfort, healing our hearts and strengthening us individually and as husband and wife.
These are just a few of the lessons I've learned:
Number 1: It's OK to cry. I dislike crying. I avoid it at all costs. Though this week, brought more tears then one could count. And that's OK. Crying is part of the healing process. I have had to become ok with crying, because sometimes the emotions are stronger than our will and strength to hide it. We have to allow ourselves to feel the pain, so we can find healing. Feeling the pain, will later allow us to greater appreciate the joy and love in life. We will cherish the sweetness and beauty in life because we know it's opposite. I know that I will have greater and stronger love for those whom I care about, because I know the pain of losing one.
Number 2: Everything happens for a reason. This I always knew, but I've had to rely on my knowledge of God and his ways. I had to decide that I really believe that God's in charge of all. I've had to accept that this is God's will, and for some reason, He thinks this is best for us. I may not know all the reasons why this experience happened or why it happened now (I was supposed to be 15 weeks pregnant). But I trust God. I'd rather a baby come to a healthy body then be sickly or not survive long after birth, just like any mother would. I'm positive there are more reasons than just one, that this experience happened. Maybe some day, I'll learn more reasons.
Number 3: God is mindful and watchful. God is great, He is more than we can comprehend. He also loves us more than what we understand or think we deserve. I had received many priesthood blessings throughout my short pregnancy. But in each one, I was reminded and told that God is mindful of me and my body is in His hands. After my D&C (the operation), I came out of anesthesia really quick and well. I had no side effects, I walked myself right out of the hospital. I've healed very fast and have had no infections. I know that He was with me and has helped my body heal. He's also mindful of the people that we need in our lives. We've had many wonderful and helpful people step into our lives this week to lend support, prayers and love. God loves us, He's aware of us and what we need. I know that, and this week has been a testament to that fact.
Number 4: Trials refine us. This has been the first large challenge Trevor and I have experienced as a couple. I must say, our marriage is quite easy, we work on it every day. This experience, however, has given us the opportunity to strengthen our relationship and make us stronger as a couple. This trial has also strengthened us individually. I know I've spent more time on my knees talking to my Heavenly Father than ever before. I've become stronger, and have gained more perspective about life. God loves us, that's why he gives us trials. We become more like Christ through our trials, then we can go forward and help others. Trials shape us into the people God knows we can be. That is my goal in life. I want to be everything that my Father in Heaven knows I can be and I want to be an instrument in his hands. From this experience, I'm going to have a greater ability to help others because I have a bit more understanding and experience. From having trials in my own life, I hope I can go out into the world and help others heal from theirs.
Number 5: Ask for whatever you may need. Only in the last few months have I really started to gain a better appreciation for the gift of prayer. I've learned that God is very giving, a lot of times, all we have to do is ask. A few weeks ago, I was tired of being lonely in Provo. Finally, one night, I set my pride aside and asked God to send me some friends. Later that week, I recognized the answer to my prayers. Now, she's become one of my best friends. :) This week, I asked for healing. I know that the Atonement not only washes away sins and makes us clean, but it can also heal the broken heart. That brings me to lesson number 6.
Number 6: Rely on the Atonement. My heart was shattered this week, but Christ has been mending it. I know that only because of Him, has that been possible. Christ has suffered all, that's how He knows what I've felt this week, and what each of us feel in our own lives and in our own times of need. Through His love, and those that He's sent to my aid this week, my heart has found healing. I don't understand how the Atonement works, but it does. When I first knelt to pray, I didn't know what to expect, or even how to apply the Atonement to this situation. All I knew, was I needed God's help and I knew I needed the Atonement. Help comes if we humble ourselves to just ask. God is standing by, wanting to help us, but a lot of times, we need just ask for His help.
Number 7: We are receiving more help than we know. This I have known for a while. I know the veil is thin. There are so many people at our aid whom we cannot see. I feel them frequently. I've felt specific ancestors help me in this life. At times I'm able to recognize who is with me, other times, I can only tell they are there. I've had them protect me while in prayer, wake me up while watching my newborn nephew, or simply protecting me as I travel. It's comforting to know that God has and will send angels to help us. They are very much alive, and are very close to us. I had an experience Sunday night. I was alone, praying and crying. I was quite overcome with emotion and pleading for help. I was not the only one in that room crying. While I could not see them with my physical eyes, my spirit saw them. There were many there. I could feel them protecting me, and also they were sharing my grief. Life is precious. I think we understand that more on the other side.
Number 8: Be humble enough to accept help and service. It makes life easier. We are taught to give service from the time we are young. But rarely do we talk about accepting service. This week we've been the recipients of great service. Our ward has been wonderful and supportive. Since I returned home, I have been kept busy by ward members, visiting teachers and friends. Being alone can easily bring on the emotions and so it helps to stay busy. The service given to us this week has made life easier and has helped ease the bitterness of the lemonade that we made this week. I have wonderful visiting teachers who brought over dinner to us last night and tonight. With our appetites gone, we would have just gone to bed hungry, too emotionally exhausted to care about food. I can say that we've eaten the last two nights because of caring sisters. How grateful I am for them! How grateful for the service given to Trevor and I this week, it's made life easier. Blessings, conversations, meals and movies have helped us make it to the end of the week! Thank you to all who has helped us! We sincerely appreciate it. :)
Number 9. Modern medicine and the priesthood. I love modern medicine and am so grateful for it. We are much safer because of it. I'm so grateful for caring doctors who have taken the time to learn and become masters in their field. They give great service to mankind. Modern medicine and the priesthood played a big role in my life this week. I think that in order to take proper care of our bodies, we should seek help from both our Heavenly Father and proper doctors. I saw Heavenly Father and the doctors work together this week. I believe modern medicine is a gift from our Father in Heaven, which should be utilized along with Heaven's help.
Number 3: God is mindful and watchful. God is great, He is more than we can comprehend. He also loves us more than what we understand or think we deserve. I had received many priesthood blessings throughout my short pregnancy. But in each one, I was reminded and told that God is mindful of me and my body is in His hands. After my D&C (the operation), I came out of anesthesia really quick and well. I had no side effects, I walked myself right out of the hospital. I've healed very fast and have had no infections. I know that He was with me and has helped my body heal. He's also mindful of the people that we need in our lives. We've had many wonderful and helpful people step into our lives this week to lend support, prayers and love. God loves us, He's aware of us and what we need. I know that, and this week has been a testament to that fact.
Number 4: Trials refine us. This has been the first large challenge Trevor and I have experienced as a couple. I must say, our marriage is quite easy, we work on it every day. This experience, however, has given us the opportunity to strengthen our relationship and make us stronger as a couple. This trial has also strengthened us individually. I know I've spent more time on my knees talking to my Heavenly Father than ever before. I've become stronger, and have gained more perspective about life. God loves us, that's why he gives us trials. We become more like Christ through our trials, then we can go forward and help others. Trials shape us into the people God knows we can be. That is my goal in life. I want to be everything that my Father in Heaven knows I can be and I want to be an instrument in his hands. From this experience, I'm going to have a greater ability to help others because I have a bit more understanding and experience. From having trials in my own life, I hope I can go out into the world and help others heal from theirs.
Number 5: Ask for whatever you may need. Only in the last few months have I really started to gain a better appreciation for the gift of prayer. I've learned that God is very giving, a lot of times, all we have to do is ask. A few weeks ago, I was tired of being lonely in Provo. Finally, one night, I set my pride aside and asked God to send me some friends. Later that week, I recognized the answer to my prayers. Now, she's become one of my best friends. :) This week, I asked for healing. I know that the Atonement not only washes away sins and makes us clean, but it can also heal the broken heart. That brings me to lesson number 6.
Number 6: Rely on the Atonement. My heart was shattered this week, but Christ has been mending it. I know that only because of Him, has that been possible. Christ has suffered all, that's how He knows what I've felt this week, and what each of us feel in our own lives and in our own times of need. Through His love, and those that He's sent to my aid this week, my heart has found healing. I don't understand how the Atonement works, but it does. When I first knelt to pray, I didn't know what to expect, or even how to apply the Atonement to this situation. All I knew, was I needed God's help and I knew I needed the Atonement. Help comes if we humble ourselves to just ask. God is standing by, wanting to help us, but a lot of times, we need just ask for His help.
Number 7: We are receiving more help than we know. This I have known for a while. I know the veil is thin. There are so many people at our aid whom we cannot see. I feel them frequently. I've felt specific ancestors help me in this life. At times I'm able to recognize who is with me, other times, I can only tell they are there. I've had them protect me while in prayer, wake me up while watching my newborn nephew, or simply protecting me as I travel. It's comforting to know that God has and will send angels to help us. They are very much alive, and are very close to us. I had an experience Sunday night. I was alone, praying and crying. I was quite overcome with emotion and pleading for help. I was not the only one in that room crying. While I could not see them with my physical eyes, my spirit saw them. There were many there. I could feel them protecting me, and also they were sharing my grief. Life is precious. I think we understand that more on the other side.
Number 8: Be humble enough to accept help and service. It makes life easier. We are taught to give service from the time we are young. But rarely do we talk about accepting service. This week we've been the recipients of great service. Our ward has been wonderful and supportive. Since I returned home, I have been kept busy by ward members, visiting teachers and friends. Being alone can easily bring on the emotions and so it helps to stay busy. The service given to us this week has made life easier and has helped ease the bitterness of the lemonade that we made this week. I have wonderful visiting teachers who brought over dinner to us last night and tonight. With our appetites gone, we would have just gone to bed hungry, too emotionally exhausted to care about food. I can say that we've eaten the last two nights because of caring sisters. How grateful I am for them! How grateful for the service given to Trevor and I this week, it's made life easier. Blessings, conversations, meals and movies have helped us make it to the end of the week! Thank you to all who has helped us! We sincerely appreciate it. :)
Number 9. Modern medicine and the priesthood. I love modern medicine and am so grateful for it. We are much safer because of it. I'm so grateful for caring doctors who have taken the time to learn and become masters in their field. They give great service to mankind. Modern medicine and the priesthood played a big role in my life this week. I think that in order to take proper care of our bodies, we should seek help from both our Heavenly Father and proper doctors. I saw Heavenly Father and the doctors work together this week. I believe modern medicine is a gift from our Father in Heaven, which should be utilized along with Heaven's help.
Number 10. Have gratitude. That's probably the number one thing I've learned is to have gratitude. We have so much to be grateful for - I have so much to be grateful for. This situation could have ended up a whole lot worse. But how grateful I am that Heavenly Father loves me enough to send me trials to allow me to grow. I'm grateful for the gospel and the plan of salvation. Trevor and I were married in the temple - we know that our baby girl is ours. Whether we get her in this life or the next, she is promised to us. I'm grateful for the healing power of the Atonement and the power of the Priesthood. I'm grateful for my friends here in Provo and for those who have helped us through this week. God has given me so much. I'm grateful that He was willing to bring me a little lower, so that then he could lift me higher than before. I'm grateful for the trials that I'm given, I know they are perfectly tailored to me. God knows what I need to grow and become a better person. He knows all and sees all. He knows how this experience will benefit me and will give me the experience I need to help another one of his children. I'm grateful for the perspective this experience has give me. Most of all, I'm grateful to be a mother. I'm a mother, and though time was short, I love our little girl. I know she is mine. I know I'll get to hold her someday, and not just in a dream. I know that I'll have other children to hold and love too, which will hopefully come soon. But, we will have faith and keep moving forward to that day.
I know this post has emphasized the difficulties of our week. But we do not seek for your pity. I only desire to share the lessons I've learned. Lessons come through difficult things. I've tried to handle this week with courage, dignity, and faith. I only wish to become stronger through this experience and to become more like my Savior. I have shared personal experiences only to better explain the things I've learned. Now I close my week, with hopes that this coming week will be brighter.
Keep Moving Forward.
- Samantha
I know this post has emphasized the difficulties of our week. But we do not seek for your pity. I only desire to share the lessons I've learned. Lessons come through difficult things. I've tried to handle this week with courage, dignity, and faith. I only wish to become stronger through this experience and to become more like my Savior. I have shared personal experiences only to better explain the things I've learned. Now I close my week, with hopes that this coming week will be brighter.
Keep Moving Forward.
- Samantha
