The last couple weeks have brought on a new chapter. Saying things outwardly and believing them inwardly are two separate things and finally these two things are the same. Now, the last two or three weeks have been crazy to say the least. Not just things with work and school, but emotionally and internally. I think I've come a long ways in the last few weeks. It's not much to be shown, but inside...I finally feel better.
Healing is an interesting thing, isn't it? A wound heals on the outside quicker than inside. On the outside it can look like everything is normal, when inside the tissue may not be completely healed. That's kind of how I've felt the last six months. I felt like on the outside I was doing alright. I had even convinced myself that on the inside I was doing alright too. But deep inside I knew there was still a little ways to go. Well, I think I'm finally there. I think I've finally made it to a new chapter. I've done things that have helped me to signify the end, and a new beginning.
My irrational feelings have been worked through. Which is such a relief, it gave me such baggage that I am now rid of. Priesthood blessings and pep talks from my mom have helped bring me to a good place. I'm finally ok with where I'm at. I'm ok that maybe my times schedule for starting our family isn't the same as others who I see. I'm ok with waiting on God for our little blessings to come. I've finally accepted these things in my heart which have helped me move on and move past the miscarriage. On the outside I put on a strong face, but inside it was a little harder. I'm not saying I struggled every day and was constantly crying, because I wasn't. But there were those days when I'd feel depressed or down, or it would be hard for me to be in a room with others. Or, there were times when my hormones were high that emotions would get the best of me. As time went on these days became less and less.
I realized that the last two or three weeks I was carrying unnecessary stress which wasn't healthy. I also realized that I wasn't learning the lessons that God wanted me to learn. I was suppose to learn to align my will with His. After all, He knows whats very best for us. I had to learn to trust Him in my heart. I think it's always a work in progress, but I think I've finally gotten to that point. Now I can say, I'm honestly and truly happy for those who have children or are expecting. I can smile and be sincere and know in my heart that I mean it when I congratulate someone. I know God will bless us with a family when He thinks it's right. I'm ok with that. I'm ok to wait.
Like I said earlier, I've kind of closed one chapter and opened a new one. March 14th would have been my due date. My sister came down and spent the weekend with me. I had a blast with her. She brought her little boy with her. He's my favorite! It sure helped to keep me busy and do something fun last weekend. Last Saturday we went to the zoo, we made a pie, we relaxed. It was good sister time which helped kind of close things up for me.
Also last week, a few sisters were asked to leave me notes on my door (which I didn't realize until Thursday). I came home every day last week to find a letter of love and support on my door. It meant a lot to me. So this week, I gathered up all my things that reminded me of the pregnancy. A t-shirt, my ultrasound pictures, and all my letters and I put them in a box. I haven't quite put this box out of sight yet, but it's all contained. Just like in my head, I've put everything in a box. It's to compartmentalize with everything. To me, it helped signify the end of a journey. It helped signify the end of mourning and loss. Just like when a day dies, a new one rises and begins. I finally feel like in my heart I've closed that chapter and have moved on. It's no longer baggage and nagging in the back of my mind. I'm no longer comparing myself to other women. I feel stronger from this whole thing.
So, I've opened a new chapter. I've let go of the stress and pressure of "getting pregnant". It will happen when it happens. I'm still on a ton of medications and always have a doctors appointment on the calender, but it's a different frame of mind. I'm ok for it to happen when it does, whether it be this month, or in six months or whenever. I'm not going to let my stress of getting pregnant detract from life now. It's important to live in the moment, to let go and move on. All my stress and worry was keeping me from enjoying my life now. I also realized I had become less grateful for the blessings God has given me because I was so focused on what I didn't have. My mom helped me realize that. I took a big does of humble pie and kind of counted my blessings. I'm really blessed with everything I have. Just because it's taking a little longer than I was hoping for to get pregnant doesn't mean all my blessings are suddenly gone.
I can't say enough how much of a relief it is for me to have moved on in my heart from all this. Mentally and emotionally I've started a new beginning. We are starting this journey again with a clean start. It's good, it's bright. It wouldn't have happened without the Atonement and my Savior and all the support I've had from my husband, family and ward. I'm in a really good place now. I'm focusing on enjoying and living each day and getting done with school. I have a great job and we are coming to summer time. There is so much to look forward to.
- SamiMae
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
My Reflection on the Last Six Months
It's been six months since my miscarriage. It's been a ride of emotions, doctor visits and prayers sent up to heaven. As I reflect on where I've been and where I'm going, it's humbling to see God's hand in it all. Right from the very beginning, I didn't doubt God was in control, I often wondered his reasoning for giving me this particular trial, but after a season I began to see his wisdom it it all. I'm sure there is much more for me to learn. I'm sure there are still things that have yet to be revealed to me about this whole ordeal. But I've learned enough to say that I'm proud of how I handled the experience.
It was the first time in my life where I was at a complete loss. I had lost someone (no matter now small) so dear to me, even though we only had a few short weeks. I felt the agony of losing a child. My heart was broken, I was broken. But as I plead for God's help, I plead for the healing balm of the Atonement to be applied to my broken soul. I felt Him healing my heart over time. The big mend was the week after. But I still wasn't complete. Even now, it still saddens me what happened. But still slowly, God has healed the deeper part of the wounds that came with that experience. He taught me many things in the last six months. I truly believe that sometimes God has to send you to your knees before he can raise you up higher than you were before. That's what he did with me. I had to sink so low that all I could do was to lean on Him for peace and healing. On my knees that night, I guess you could say I "found" God. I'd always had a testimony. For years I've been able to see God's hand in my life. But that night I understood the Atonement a little bit more. I understood a little bit more of the plan of salvation. I came to understand the Atonement in a way that I never had before. I understood that night a little more of what happened over 2,000 years ago in Gethsemane. I came to feel the power of the atonement. It is very real. There is no secret to it. All we have to do is ask for it with humble heart. That night I gained a stronger testimony of God and his love. God gives us challenges and trials BECAUSE he loves us. Only from these experiences can we grow into the person He knows we can become. From that night, I received strength to carry on and handle that difficult week with dignity and humility.
As I reflect on the lessons God has taught me, these are my thoughts.
1. Most important, I came to know my Savior better. This had been the first time where I truly had to rely on the Atonement and on God. I came to acknowledge my dependence on Him.
2. God taught me humility. I don't know if I was overly "proud", but I certainly was humbled by it all. I feel the humility most when I approach my Heavenly Father in prayer. It's put into perspective just how great God is. How perfect and endless his wisdom and mercy and greatness - compared to my own nothingness. Yet, he loves me perfectly, I'm his daughter and He is always there for me. I guess I've gained a greater perspective of his matchless power and glory. It truly is quite humbling. I've also gained humility because something so dear to me was taken away - by the very one who gave it to begin with. How can one not be humbled by an experience like this?
3. I learned patience. God's timing is different than our own. We may not be able to see it at the time, but eventually we will understand. The righteous desires of my heart to be a mother in Zion were not being granted as I had originally wished. This was difficult. I saw other women who were soon announcing their "new" pregnancy. It was hard to turn a cheek when in my heart I was wondering why they got a baby and I had to lose mine. I had to wait a little longer for my righteous desire to be granted, we are still waiting.
4. Another very, very important lesson is I've learned to align my will with God's. This is always easier said than done. And, I'm sure it's something I'll learn multiple times in my life. I had to learn that even though what's happened has happened, it was God's will. I try very hard in my prayers to acknowledge that I will do my best to follow His will, even if it is contrary to what I would have desired.
6. I've had to come to trust that God knows better than me, and so His will and direction, even if hard to receive - will always be the best choice. Looking back at these last six months, I can see temporally, how everything worked out for our good. I'm finishing my bachelors, so is Trevor. I have a job now. We are more stable financially and emotionally. Things like this, waiting has been better for us, even though it's not been easy.
7. I've become more relatable. I understand now. Miscarriage is a common thing, unfortunately. Now I hope that, where I've gone through this experience, God can use me as an instrument in His hand to help another one of his daughters through this same experience. It stinks. It's no fun and I certainly wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but it's part of life. I also have more compassion. I've been through something hard, so I can understand a little bit more when someone else is going through something hard. We are commanded to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who need it. This experience will be able to help me do that.
8. I've become closer with my husband. We've had to learn to work through hard things together. We've learned to council together, to make decisions together. We've learned how to comfort one another. We've learned how to love each other more deeply.
Through this whole experience, Trevor and I drew closer together as we drew closer to God. While it was a trying experience, it was one that bettered me in a way that only God could do. I'm forever grateful for this experience. God has lifted me higher than I was before. I've learned so much.
So now, we look forward, we look up. God is hears and answers prayers. He is guiding our lives. We are doing our best to live up to the blessings he has in store for us. We hope that someday soon that will include a little miracle of our own.
- SamiMae
It was the first time in my life where I was at a complete loss. I had lost someone (no matter now small) so dear to me, even though we only had a few short weeks. I felt the agony of losing a child. My heart was broken, I was broken. But as I plead for God's help, I plead for the healing balm of the Atonement to be applied to my broken soul. I felt Him healing my heart over time. The big mend was the week after. But I still wasn't complete. Even now, it still saddens me what happened. But still slowly, God has healed the deeper part of the wounds that came with that experience. He taught me many things in the last six months. I truly believe that sometimes God has to send you to your knees before he can raise you up higher than you were before. That's what he did with me. I had to sink so low that all I could do was to lean on Him for peace and healing. On my knees that night, I guess you could say I "found" God. I'd always had a testimony. For years I've been able to see God's hand in my life. But that night I understood the Atonement a little bit more. I understood a little bit more of the plan of salvation. I came to understand the Atonement in a way that I never had before. I understood that night a little more of what happened over 2,000 years ago in Gethsemane. I came to feel the power of the atonement. It is very real. There is no secret to it. All we have to do is ask for it with humble heart. That night I gained a stronger testimony of God and his love. God gives us challenges and trials BECAUSE he loves us. Only from these experiences can we grow into the person He knows we can become. From that night, I received strength to carry on and handle that difficult week with dignity and humility.
As I reflect on the lessons God has taught me, these are my thoughts.
1. Most important, I came to know my Savior better. This had been the first time where I truly had to rely on the Atonement and on God. I came to acknowledge my dependence on Him.
2. God taught me humility. I don't know if I was overly "proud", but I certainly was humbled by it all. I feel the humility most when I approach my Heavenly Father in prayer. It's put into perspective just how great God is. How perfect and endless his wisdom and mercy and greatness - compared to my own nothingness. Yet, he loves me perfectly, I'm his daughter and He is always there for me. I guess I've gained a greater perspective of his matchless power and glory. It truly is quite humbling. I've also gained humility because something so dear to me was taken away - by the very one who gave it to begin with. How can one not be humbled by an experience like this?
3. I learned patience. God's timing is different than our own. We may not be able to see it at the time, but eventually we will understand. The righteous desires of my heart to be a mother in Zion were not being granted as I had originally wished. This was difficult. I saw other women who were soon announcing their "new" pregnancy. It was hard to turn a cheek when in my heart I was wondering why they got a baby and I had to lose mine. I had to wait a little longer for my righteous desire to be granted, we are still waiting.
4. Another very, very important lesson is I've learned to align my will with God's. This is always easier said than done. And, I'm sure it's something I'll learn multiple times in my life. I had to learn that even though what's happened has happened, it was God's will. I try very hard in my prayers to acknowledge that I will do my best to follow His will, even if it is contrary to what I would have desired.
6. I've had to come to trust that God knows better than me, and so His will and direction, even if hard to receive - will always be the best choice. Looking back at these last six months, I can see temporally, how everything worked out for our good. I'm finishing my bachelors, so is Trevor. I have a job now. We are more stable financially and emotionally. Things like this, waiting has been better for us, even though it's not been easy.
7. I've become more relatable. I understand now. Miscarriage is a common thing, unfortunately. Now I hope that, where I've gone through this experience, God can use me as an instrument in His hand to help another one of his daughters through this same experience. It stinks. It's no fun and I certainly wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but it's part of life. I also have more compassion. I've been through something hard, so I can understand a little bit more when someone else is going through something hard. We are commanded to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who need it. This experience will be able to help me do that.
8. I've become closer with my husband. We've had to learn to work through hard things together. We've learned to council together, to make decisions together. We've learned how to comfort one another. We've learned how to love each other more deeply.
Through this whole experience, Trevor and I drew closer together as we drew closer to God. While it was a trying experience, it was one that bettered me in a way that only God could do. I'm forever grateful for this experience. God has lifted me higher than I was before. I've learned so much.
So now, we look forward, we look up. God is hears and answers prayers. He is guiding our lives. We are doing our best to live up to the blessings he has in store for us. We hope that someday soon that will include a little miracle of our own.
- SamiMae
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