It's been six months since my miscarriage. It's been a ride of emotions, doctor visits and prayers sent up to heaven. As I reflect on where I've been and where I'm going, it's humbling to see God's hand in it all. Right from the very beginning, I didn't doubt God was in control, I often wondered his reasoning for giving me this particular trial, but after a season I began to see his wisdom it it all. I'm sure there is much more for me to learn. I'm sure there are still things that have yet to be revealed to me about this whole ordeal. But I've learned enough to say that I'm proud of how I handled the experience.
It was the first time in my life where I was at a complete loss. I had lost someone (no matter now small) so dear to me, even though we only had a few short weeks. I felt the agony of losing a child. My heart was broken, I was broken. But as I plead for God's help, I plead for the healing balm of the Atonement to be applied to my broken soul. I felt Him healing my heart over time. The big mend was the week after. But I still wasn't complete. Even now, it still saddens me what happened. But still slowly, God has healed the deeper part of the wounds that came with that experience. He taught me many things in the last six months. I truly believe that sometimes God has to send you to your knees before he can raise you up higher than you were before. That's what he did with me. I had to sink so low that all I could do was to lean on Him for peace and healing. On my knees that night, I guess you could say I "found" God. I'd always had a testimony. For years I've been able to see God's hand in my life. But that night I understood the Atonement a little bit more. I understood a little bit more of the plan of salvation. I came to understand the Atonement in a way that I never had before. I understood that night a little more of what happened over 2,000 years ago in Gethsemane. I came to feel the power of the atonement. It is very real. There is no secret to it. All we have to do is ask for it with humble heart. That night I gained a stronger testimony of God and his love. God gives us challenges and trials BECAUSE he loves us. Only from these experiences can we grow into the person He knows we can become. From that night, I received strength to carry on and handle that difficult week with dignity and humility.
As I reflect on the lessons God has taught me, these are my thoughts.
1. Most important, I came to know my Savior better. This had been the first time where I truly had to rely on the Atonement and on God. I came to acknowledge my dependence on Him.
2. God taught me humility. I don't know if I was overly "proud", but I certainly was humbled by it all. I feel the humility most when I approach my Heavenly Father in prayer. It's put into perspective just how great God is. How perfect and endless his wisdom and mercy and greatness - compared to my own nothingness. Yet, he loves me perfectly, I'm his daughter and He is always there for me. I guess I've gained a greater perspective of his matchless power and glory. It truly is quite humbling. I've also gained humility because something so dear to me was taken away - by the very one who gave it to begin with. How can one not be humbled by an experience like this?
3. I learned patience. God's timing is different than our own. We may not be able to see it at the time, but eventually we will understand. The righteous desires of my heart to be a mother in Zion were not being granted as I had originally wished. This was difficult. I saw other women who were soon announcing their "new" pregnancy. It was hard to turn a cheek when in my heart I was wondering why they got a baby and I had to lose mine. I had to wait a little longer for my righteous desire to be granted, we are still waiting.
4. Another very, very important lesson is I've learned to align my will with God's. This is always easier said than done. And, I'm sure it's something I'll learn multiple times in my life. I had to learn that even though what's happened has happened, it was God's will. I try very hard in my prayers to acknowledge that I will do my best to follow His will, even if it is contrary to what I would have desired.
6. I've had to come to trust that God knows better than me, and so His will and direction, even if hard to receive - will always be the best choice. Looking back at these last six months, I can see temporally, how everything worked out for our good. I'm finishing my bachelors, so is Trevor. I have a job now. We are more stable financially and emotionally. Things like this, waiting has been better for us, even though it's not been easy.
7. I've become more relatable. I understand now. Miscarriage is a common thing, unfortunately. Now I hope that, where I've gone through this experience, God can use me as an instrument in His hand to help another one of his daughters through this same experience. It stinks. It's no fun and I certainly wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but it's part of life. I also have more compassion. I've been through something hard, so I can understand a little bit more when someone else is going through something hard. We are commanded to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who need it. This experience will be able to help me do that.
8. I've become closer with my husband. We've had to learn to work through hard things together. We've learned to council together, to make decisions together. We've learned how to comfort one another. We've learned how to love each other more deeply.
Through this whole experience, Trevor and I drew closer together as we drew closer to God. While it was a trying experience, it was one that bettered me in a way that only God could do. I'm forever grateful for this experience. God has lifted me higher than I was before. I've learned so much.
So now, we look forward, we look up. God is hears and answers prayers. He is guiding our lives. We are doing our best to live up to the blessings he has in store for us. We hope that someday soon that will include a little miracle of our own.
- SamiMae
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