The last couple weeks have brought on a new chapter. Saying things outwardly and believing them inwardly are two separate things and finally these two things are the same. Now, the last two or three weeks have been crazy to say the least. Not just things with work and school, but emotionally and internally. I think I've come a long ways in the last few weeks. It's not much to be shown, but inside...I finally feel better.
Healing is an interesting thing, isn't it? A wound heals on the outside quicker than inside. On the outside it can look like everything is normal, when inside the tissue may not be completely healed. That's kind of how I've felt the last six months. I felt like on the outside I was doing alright. I had even convinced myself that on the inside I was doing alright too. But deep inside I knew there was still a little ways to go. Well, I think I'm finally there. I think I've finally made it to a new chapter. I've done things that have helped me to signify the end, and a new beginning.
My irrational feelings have been worked through. Which is such a relief, it gave me such baggage that I am now rid of. Priesthood blessings and pep talks from my mom have helped bring me to a good place. I'm finally ok with where I'm at. I'm ok that maybe my times schedule for starting our family isn't the same as others who I see. I'm ok with waiting on God for our little blessings to come. I've finally accepted these things in my heart which have helped me move on and move past the miscarriage. On the outside I put on a strong face, but inside it was a little harder. I'm not saying I struggled every day and was constantly crying, because I wasn't. But there were those days when I'd feel depressed or down, or it would be hard for me to be in a room with others. Or, there were times when my hormones were high that emotions would get the best of me. As time went on these days became less and less.
I realized that the last two or three weeks I was carrying unnecessary stress which wasn't healthy. I also realized that I wasn't learning the lessons that God wanted me to learn. I was suppose to learn to align my will with His. After all, He knows whats very best for us. I had to learn to trust Him in my heart. I think it's always a work in progress, but I think I've finally gotten to that point. Now I can say, I'm honestly and truly happy for those who have children or are expecting. I can smile and be sincere and know in my heart that I mean it when I congratulate someone. I know God will bless us with a family when He thinks it's right. I'm ok with that. I'm ok to wait.
Like I said earlier, I've kind of closed one chapter and opened a new one. March 14th would have been my due date. My sister came down and spent the weekend with me. I had a blast with her. She brought her little boy with her. He's my favorite! It sure helped to keep me busy and do something fun last weekend. Last Saturday we went to the zoo, we made a pie, we relaxed. It was good sister time which helped kind of close things up for me.
Also last week, a few sisters were asked to leave me notes on my door (which I didn't realize until Thursday). I came home every day last week to find a letter of love and support on my door. It meant a lot to me. So this week, I gathered up all my things that reminded me of the pregnancy. A t-shirt, my ultrasound pictures, and all my letters and I put them in a box. I haven't quite put this box out of sight yet, but it's all contained. Just like in my head, I've put everything in a box. It's to compartmentalize with everything. To me, it helped signify the end of a journey. It helped signify the end of mourning and loss. Just like when a day dies, a new one rises and begins. I finally feel like in my heart I've closed that chapter and have moved on. It's no longer baggage and nagging in the back of my mind. I'm no longer comparing myself to other women. I feel stronger from this whole thing.
So, I've opened a new chapter. I've let go of the stress and pressure of "getting pregnant". It will happen when it happens. I'm still on a ton of medications and always have a doctors appointment on the calender, but it's a different frame of mind. I'm ok for it to happen when it does, whether it be this month, or in six months or whenever. I'm not going to let my stress of getting pregnant detract from life now. It's important to live in the moment, to let go and move on. All my stress and worry was keeping me from enjoying my life now. I also realized I had become less grateful for the blessings God has given me because I was so focused on what I didn't have. My mom helped me realize that. I took a big does of humble pie and kind of counted my blessings. I'm really blessed with everything I have. Just because it's taking a little longer than I was hoping for to get pregnant doesn't mean all my blessings are suddenly gone.
I can't say enough how much of a relief it is for me to have moved on in my heart from all this. Mentally and emotionally I've started a new beginning. We are starting this journey again with a clean start. It's good, it's bright. It wouldn't have happened without the Atonement and my Savior and all the support I've had from my husband, family and ward. I'm in a really good place now. I'm focusing on enjoying and living each day and getting done with school. I have a great job and we are coming to summer time. There is so much to look forward to.
- SamiMae
